you still make me breathless.

ive been inspired to return here to blog following an exercise in cell that says we should exercise our talents. since there really isn't much space at home to juggle flaming bottles of jaegermeister while balancing on the back of a mongolian midget while holding my breath and doing triple backflips, i decided i shall write instead.

what shall i write about? i don't know! all i know is that i have the chance to ruminate, and ruminate i shall. for me, this is a place where i can just do whatever i want. to unloose the words that come to mind, where my stream of consciousness connects to the tributary of the internet, resulting in a deluge of disparate thoughts that share no connection besides the fact they come from me. in a nutshell, this is my blog, and i'll say whatever i want. even if it means saying nothing at all.

urgh. i feel tired. sleepy. and here i am. my priorities are surely out of order. i need to read and summarise a report for my manager BUT i dont quite feel like doing that at this very point in time. what i would very much like to do is go to bed. maybe i'll do it in the morning instead.... i'll sleep over it. and i have to go to office at 6am. sigh. but hey, when the going gets tough....

really, to be honest, i haven't got much to say here. makes me sort of wonder why i bothered in the first place. blogging is such a lost art for me.

hmm..

• 23:59 SATURDAY! #

• 14:56 almost there... #

there was a time when this blog meant the world to me. it was an outlet, my forum, a destination, a refuge. a means for creative expression and my voice in a world where i would not let my thoughts be heard by others. it was a place for me to unwind the knots in my head, where understanding, if not release, was gained like the slow unwrapping of a tightly wrapped package. my anonymity was paramount, as though the world i had constructed would collapse like a flimsy house of cards the moment i opened the door to the outside world. it was my means of bonding and keeping together with those whose lives had become intertwined with mine. at every impulse, at every turn, anytime my earth was shattered or shaken (which was much too often), this was the place i confessed every minute detail. sometimes for myself. sometimes for what i thought was other people. in my mind, i somehow imagined other people cared what i was doing or thinking. sometimes i was right. sometimes, not so much. somehow within the human condition is the innate craving to share. to tell others. whyfore and whatnots. we are simply made to tell at least someone.

this is a subject i have written about many times prior, sometimes as a lament, other times as a muse, and this time, as an acceptance. and as a reminder, that nothing, no matter how large it looms over you or how immobile it may be, is beyond irrelevance. at some point, it will stop mattering. if it doesn't matter to you anymore, it is hardly likely it will matter to anyone else either.

anyway, i came here to blog about something else completely. lately, i have not had a place of solace to just simply be. to just talk and unloose my (digital) tongue. but as i tarried to make my point, i forgot what i wanted to say. to be precise, i lost steam - perhaps i am an all too emotional creature, a person who acts on impulse rather than on abiding convictions. surely that is no surprise to me.

but some discipline is in order; surely thoughts and ideas that were right surely do not become wrong because i don't feel their 'rightness' anymore. cutting to the chase, the real reason i came here was because i saw something that broke my heart. something that made me experience a shadow of the heartache God has for His children.

without being too obnoxious, i saw a facebook profile that belonged to someone who had a condition. i don't know this person, and i won't say what this condition is. but suffice to say, it was heart-rending enough for me to want to blog about it. and it made me realise how privileged we are.

beyond just tedious rhetoric about how lucky we are, what great lives we lead and how we could make small contributions so that we can pat ourselves on the back later on yada yada, i am more compelled to think of how this world could change. how, in the words of a certain songsmith from california, we can be 'more than just ok.' ultimately, do we want to try and rid the world of pain? a noble concept, one that is at best tenuous and at its very worst, destructive. the mere alleviation of pain and the promotion of pleasure is a recipe for excess and hedonism and it is a philosophy i personally do not subscribe. pain is at times a protector and a warning, however unpleasant, it is part of life. it is entirely possible that i am conducting this argument from an ivory tower, but it is merely to motivate a discussion about making a difference that does not only seek to soothe our own consciences. that we do not help others out of guilt, seeing that others have not while we have much because the focus is still very much on how WE feel. instead, i believe true charity and love has nothing to do with the self, but with how others feel.

consider the words of Jesus when he says in matthew 10:42 (nlt)
"And if you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least of my followers, you will surely be rewarded."

my take is that this verse is not a letter of offer or an invitation to treat. in other words, this is not (apologies to my learned lawyer friends) a contract. there is no carrot for the altruistic individual (nor the tacitly assumed stick). no, the reward is for those who are already motivated to give the cup of water regardless of whether the reward exists. it is these people who have met with Jesus and since they have seen him, they shall receive their reward. and if you say you know Jesus and yet have no inclination to offer this representative cup of water, then I shall question whether you have really met Jesus at all.

in sum, the conclusion of this overly indulgent and long-winded entry is that (should the whim strike you, or if you are less flighty, if the idea comes to you), then consider whether you would help others and why. it is perhaps more complex than you think, or it could be a very simple thing.

• 11:00 go save your work now, fingertips strike ctrl+s, you will save much grief #

mini update time! =D

finally completed the workspace configuration i've always wanted since i was in uni.

decent laptop - check
decent speakers - check
extended desktop on 22" monitor - check
wireless mouse - check
large external hard disk - check

and now, after the IT fair

personal laser printer/scanner/copier - check!

now for a bigger table...

LJ has become a receptacle for tweets. No one posts real updates anymore. And I doubt anyone cares either. Oh well.

• 20:52 Nimbuzz is a pretty cool im app for n97 #

• 00:49 @Kyoninyanko singapore! =D likewise for u i assume? #

• 09:39 @notsotech haha i was thinking the same thing! #
• 09:43 ahhh!!! my eyes are bleeding! (@Kyoninyanko)yfrog.com/33d4yxj #

• 15:09 managed to hook up my laptop to my phone to surf the net. and to think this procedure used to be a convenient plot device in '90s spy films. #

• 09:49 @Dropbox is awesome! Check it out tinyurl.com/yandhag #

• 20:45 @Kyoninyanko is that so? Better than other software packages? What do u use it for? #
• 20:46 @Kyoninyanko zat so? What do u use it for? #
• 20:49 @Kyoninyanko whoops. Tweeted twice cos I thot the first one didn't make it #
• 23:36 @Kyoninyanko fo' shiz? i guess i can learn it too! i'm not sure what i'd use it for tho.. heh. incidentally i dl-ed it ytd. will try it out~ #

• 07:56 Annnnd another coupla hundred people have joined the ranks of ANU alumni. Congratulations yo. #
• 22:50 and confusion ensued #

• 20:14 munch! #

• 14:15 found just the spot he needed #

• 17:55 @Kyoninyanko lol. that is indeed very unfortunate... #

• 19:53 @versoversed i like the new pic. well, it's not that new, but I think it's a look worth exploring! heh. #

• 00:29 to all my friends who still have exams: all the best for your papers! and congratulations in advance to those who are about to graduate! #